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Oops! Hallmark-alypses Part 1, a Valentine's Day Bonus
Good luck pronouncing that title. This is a one-short RPG designed by Stu to play through the typical Hallmark Channel Movie story. We explain why we are doing this, but it doesn't make a ton of sense.
There will still be a normal episode this week, so stay tuned!
Transcript
Hallmarkopolis, a show where we explore love and Tinder moments and usually holidays.
Speaker:By playing fun tabletop role-playing games, I'm joined by two lovely friends.
Speaker:It's so sweet this time.
Speaker:Hey, I'm Brady.
Speaker:And I, listen, I've seen so many of these fucking, okay, listen, my grandma loves Hallmark movies.
Speaker:My sister loves watching them with my grandma.
Speaker:My mom tolerates them for some reason.
Speaker:I've seen so many of them.
Speaker:They're all the same plots, identical, not a huge fan, but I know I know them like the back of my hand.
Speaker:You should share this episode with your grandma.
Speaker:I will not.
Speaker:I'm Jacob.
Speaker:I have also seen a ton of Hallmark movies.
Speaker:Most of my experience with the Hallmark movies is probably similar to you, Brady, in the fact that my grandma would just put the Hallmark channel on in the background anytime we would visit.
Speaker:So anytime we came up for Thanks the Game Hour Christmas, that was basically all that was playing on the TV.
Speaker:And my mom does not like sad movies or any kind of movie that's scary or anything.
Speaker:So she also would love the Hallmark channel.
Speaker:And in the hospital, almost all my patients that are older than the age of 65 are watching the Hallmark channel.
Speaker:And yeah, I don't know if I decide if I hate them or if I like them.
Speaker:It straddles that line of so bad, they're good for me.
Speaker:Like they're so tropey, they drive me crazy, but I do enjoy it.
Speaker:One time I was watching a Hallmark movie with my grandma and my sister.
Speaker:And a big thing, a big part of the conceit is that one of them really likes to dance or some shit.
Speaker:They finally have this moment where the two characters who are going to bone dance.
Speaker:And I said, you see them kind of like stand, you have a wide shot where you see their full body and they're coming together to dance and they kind of get into the pose.
Speaker:And they said, and three, two, one, now they're going to cut to above the waist only because neither of these actors knows how to do the dance that they are about to do.
Speaker:And then literally three seconds later, it cuts to them above the waist, just kind of rocking back and forth.
Speaker:And my sister was so mad at me because it completely ruined the moment.
Speaker:And I was so happy.
Speaker:Well, here I got to share my traumatic Hallmark experience.
Speaker:This is why this exists.
Speaker:My traumatic Hallmark movie moment was, like most people, I imagine my age.
Speaker:I am a huge fan of Firefly.
Speaker:Firefly is one of my favorite TV shows and Fire and Serenity is one of my favorite movies.
Speaker:And I really liked the character Kayleigh, and I liked her actress.
Speaker:I thought she was really fun, and I liked the character.
Speaker:She was probably one of my favorite characters in the show.
Speaker:And probably as a small kid, probably about 13, 14, my first moment when I realized in my life that not all actors have the same hierarchy in Hollywood as others was when I was watching a Hallmark Channel movie.
Speaker:And it was one of those standard ones where it's like a big city girl has a daughter, and she can't pay enough attention to the daughter.
Speaker:And so she's doing whatever, and it's Christmas time, and she works for a big league, big, big business, you know, the standard Hallmark movie stuff.
Speaker:But the main character was played by the actress that played Kaylee in Firefly.
Speaker:And my poor little 14, 13-year-old self was like, Oh, I thought she was more famous than that.
Speaker:I didn't think she'd stoop so low to be in the Hallmark movie.
Speaker:If I was an actor, I would want to be in the Hallmark movies, because they seem way more fun than all these big budget green screen garbage movies of today.
Speaker:I'm glad you guys are such experts.
Speaker:I've actually only seen a good handful of them.
Speaker:But I like them a lot, unlike you two.
Speaker:This whole thing exists because like eight months ago, I had to cut an entire intro of like 40 minutes, because Brady and Jacob just were ranting about Hallmark for way too long in a way that I could probably only describe as patriotic.
Speaker:And then I had the idea to make a Hallmark game.
Speaker:And then you said you could make a better one than me.
Speaker:So now we have competing Hallmark games.
Speaker:This is also an aggressive, competitive Hallmark RPG.
Speaker:Let us know which one's better.
Speaker:It's mine.
Speaker:Yes, we're going to go head to head.
Speaker:Where today, during this episode, we're running an RPG I've created based on Lasers and Feelings, a nice, simple, one-page, fun, light-hearted RPG.
Speaker:No, it's five pages.
Speaker:I'm looking at the Word document.
Speaker:It's five pages.
Speaker:I'm only now just realizing that you based this off Lasers and Feeling.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I just pieced that together.
Speaker:I'm not coming up with a whole system.
Speaker:That's impossible.
Speaker:I thought you were so clever.
Speaker:I thought you were coming up with all these mechanics.
Speaker:I was like, this is a cool mechanic.
Speaker:This is a cool idea.
Speaker:All my time was put into making the tables.
Speaker:It's not a one page.
Speaker:It's a five page.
Speaker:It's one page front and back for the players, one page front and back for the team.
Speaker:Sorry.
Speaker:So why is it an odd number of pages then?
Speaker:Don't know.
Speaker:Cover page?
Speaker:So we're going to do everything during this recording.
Speaker:We're going to do character creation, playing the game, and the whole thing should be super fast.
Speaker:It's intended to be run quickly, funnily, and entirely improv.
Speaker:So we're going to start making our characters right now, which all you got to do is follow along with this little PDF I sent you.
Speaker:I love this PDF.
Speaker:I'm going to go through the different steps, and you guys, one at a time.
Speaker:Who wants to go first?
Speaker:Who wants to go second for every single thing?
Speaker:You go first, Jacob.
Speaker:I was about to say, let's roll and die, but yeah, I'll go first.
Speaker:We're going to go through character creation, which is just a few little choices you got to make, and then you roll along some tables to see some of your important things, like your big city flaws, or how your little quaint town is going to live.
Speaker:So we're going to start with Jacob.
Speaker:You're playing a high-powered city girl who thinks she has it all, but your life's about to change as you find yourself in some quaint little country town where things just run a little bit different, and people understand life better than folks back at home.
Speaker:And you're coming from that old life, so you need to choose your big city job.
Speaker:What's your choice for a big city job?
Speaker:If I had to pick the most stereotypical Hallmark Channel job, I'm going to say a baker.
Speaker:That's the most, to me, that screams Hallmark Channel protagonist, is that they're a baker slash chef that's not following their dreams and working at a terrible business when they want to have their own.
Speaker:Well, it has to be, your job still has to be baking, so you can be like a baker for a corporation or something like that.
Speaker:Is it like a restaurant that is run by a bunch of, oh, it could be like a very snooty restaurant, like a Michelin star?
Speaker:Yeah, a snooty Michelin star restaurant.
Speaker:Okay, you then also have to choose your big city skill.
Speaker:This is a thing that living that life in the city has taught you and that you excel at.
Speaker:So this can be things like gentrifying locations, this can be physical violence, can be throwing money at problems, girl bossing around, whatever you think fits.
Speaker:Jacob, what is your big city skill?
Speaker:I'm going to say if I work in a Michelin star restaurant, I'm going to say working in high pressure environments.
Speaker:So high pressure, cool under fire.
Speaker:Okay, cool under fire.
Speaker:I like that.
Speaker:Brady, choose your big city job.
Speaker:My big city job is I'm going to be an influencer, but maybe not the kind that you think I think you think of.
Speaker:Maybe not a social media influencer.
Speaker:Okay, what kind of influencer?
Speaker:You'll see.
Speaker:I don't like that.
Speaker:I'm scared.
Speaker:Brady, what is your big city skill?
Speaker:Physical violence.
Speaker:Good choice.
Speaker:I thought we were trying to make our knock flight as outlandish.
Speaker:Okay, now each of you are going to have to roll for your big city flaw.
Speaker:Most of these tables are just the D6, so there are six options.
Speaker:This is just something that you cannot let go from your previous life.
Speaker:The options are you're married, you must always look your best, you're obsessed with technology.
Speaker:I got a one.
Speaker:I think Brady chose that one.
Speaker:No, I really didn't.
Speaker:I really genuinely rolled a one.
Speaker:Okay, what is number one?
Speaker:I am married, which every Hallmark protagonist is about to be married.
Speaker:You're a married influencer who excels at physical violence.
Speaker:Oh shit, six.
Speaker:That means I get a weird one.
Speaker:I'm a kleptomaniac.
Speaker:You are a kleptomaniac.
Speaker:Oh my God, that's great.
Speaker:Okay, give your character an incredibly basic name or one with obvious holiday undertones, like Noel Krinkle.
Speaker:My name's Beelzebub.
Speaker:My name's Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies.
Speaker:Okay, that needs to be much shorter.
Speaker:Can I call you Bay?
Speaker:You can call me Beelzebub.
Speaker:Can I call you Bee?
Speaker:What about Buzz?
Speaker:I think old people go by Buzz sometimes.
Speaker:You can call me Bub, short for Beelzebub.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:So when I was thinking of the names, I was trying to think of a play on Ocean.
Speaker:That's what I was trying to do.
Speaker:The name I came up with was Sandy Plains.
Speaker:Oh, that's a really good name.
Speaker:That's a very good name.
Speaker:But my name is Beelzebub because I influence people to do evil.
Speaker:I'm an influencer.
Speaker:Oh, God.
Speaker:Okay, how the game generally works, you're going to put a D10 in front of you.
Speaker:Right now, both of you start with a 7 facing upward.
Speaker:This is your having it all balanced dice.
Speaker:So this is going to change as you play.
Speaker:It's going to go up and go down.
Speaker:Whenever there's a check, you want to roll either under or above that number.
Speaker:If you're doing city things, you want to roll under that number.
Speaker:If you're doing country life things, you want to go above.
Speaker:And it's very broad on what you mean by those.
Speaker:So city things are like talking fast, quick wit, making wise business decisions.
Speaker:And country life is anything related to feelings in any way, having empathy, smiling warmly at people, or understanding the importance of any holiday that makes us.
Speaker:So you start at seven.
Speaker:Before we go into the quaint country town, I want you guys to both describe your appearance.
Speaker:Just something basic, something short.
Speaker:I would say, what do you normally wear?
Speaker:But you're probably going to be wearing the same clothing in the entire movie.
Speaker:So I have the body of a fly and the head of a fly, but I'm the size of a human.
Speaker:OK, so I was really going to ask about the size.
Speaker:But you're human-sized.
Speaker:Do you have wings?
Speaker:No.
Speaker:OK, so wingless fly, that's weird, because flies are entirely named for the capability.
Speaker:I'm not named fly.
Speaker:I'm named peon.
Speaker:OK, this is not the direction I was expecting this to go.
Speaker:I'm just going to keep making my person the most stereotypical Hallmark person, and you can do all the wild shit you want.
Speaker:You're a kleptomaniac, dude.
Speaker:You are not innocent.
Speaker:That is true.
Speaker:That is true.
Speaker:I'm going to say I wear jeans, baggy sweaters, and to really hammer home that I'm a baker, I always have an apron, you know, an apron half tied.
Speaker:So like draping down, yes, like a half apron.
Speaker:Of course, always at all times.
Speaker:Oh, Beelzebub has a silk loincloth.
Speaker:I was going to say you didn't mention any clothes.
Speaker:So silk loincloth.
Speaker:I got that down.
Speaker:You have a player goal, which is the same for both of you, which is to get involved in tropy shenanigans, love triangles, and difficult choices between who you want to be and who you were back in the city.
Speaker:So it's all about change.
Speaker:Entire episode is going to be about how you can change as a person.
Speaker:You also have a character goal, which is something you're going to choose.
Speaker:This is what you want to happen at the climax.
Speaker:So you can come up with whatever you want.
Speaker:Some of the examples I have here are get engaged at a major town event, quit your job dramatically in front of the CEO, win a culinary contest, or find the true meaning of a particular holiday.
Speaker:I'm expanding upon yours to make it more Hallmark-y.
Speaker:Thank you.
Speaker:You're the expert.
Speaker:I'm going to win a culinary contest in front of my old boss, who just doesn't understand the concept of making food with love.
Speaker:Wonderful.
Speaker:I would like to convince this very Christian town to embrace Satan.
Speaker:To embrace?
Speaker:I'm just kidding.
Speaker:Also, Stu, if the Bails Above stuff is going to totally fuck with your system, I will be a normal person.
Speaker:There's only one way to find out.
Speaker:I think it'll be fun.
Speaker:I changed my mind.
Speaker:Bails Above, the character goal is to...
Speaker:Find the true meaning of Christmas.
Speaker:Bails Above's goal is to win the town's yearly hot dog eating contest.
Speaker:I'm assuming all this happens at the big Christmas festival or whatever.
Speaker:You're going to cook the hot dogs, dude.
Speaker:That would be so cruel to the chefs to have all like put your heart into this, and then we're going to feed 40 of them to some dude.
Speaker:That's terrible to the same guy, no condiments.
Speaker:That is terrible.
Speaker:Oh my God.
Speaker:Okay, now together, you guys are going to create your quaint country town.
Speaker:I think a lot of the time it'll be fun to just think of what you want to play through when you're playing this, but I want some randomness in here.
Speaker:So how about Jacob, you roll for the first one.
Speaker:Okay, so this town basically does one damn thing.
Speaker:And then Brady, you'll roll for the second, which is the reason you're stuck in this town.
Speaker:Or you can each roll and we can choose which one we like better.
Speaker:Yeah, we can both roll and choose which one we like better.
Speaker:Yeah, let's do that.
Speaker:I rolled a two.
Speaker:I rolled a five.
Speaker:Produce a wholesome resource or existing in opposition to capitalistic demands.
Speaker:I feel like five is easier to wrap our heads around.
Speaker:I think they're both pretty straightforward.
Speaker:But yeah, what is the wholesome resource?
Speaker:Hot dogs.
Speaker:It's not wholesome.
Speaker:It's a town that makes really pretty cakes and cookies and snacks and that kind of stuff.
Speaker:Artificial snow.
Speaker:That seems very Hallmark-y to me.
Speaker:Artificial snow is better, though.
Speaker:Artificial snow is much better, actually.
Speaker:I take back everything I said.
Speaker:Okay, this town produces artificial snow.
Speaker:Okay, now both of you are stuck in this town for some reason.
Speaker:Roll on this table to tell me why.
Speaker:I rolled a 2 again, but I don't...
Speaker:You just need a little time away for yourself.
Speaker:I guess so.
Speaker:I like I'm hunting for cryptids in full.
Speaker:That's my absolute favorite.
Speaker:I'm really praying I roll a 5.
Speaker:Oh, wait, number 6 is amazing, though.
Speaker:That's what I was really hoping is that you'd be stuck in a time loop.
Speaker:4!
Speaker:Oh, so close.
Speaker:So close.
Speaker:You're meeting a strange family.
Speaker:That's very classic Hallmark, though.
Speaker:That is.
Speaker:Who died that brought you home?
Speaker:We'll say my grandpa just died, and he was a big part of the artificial snow.
Speaker:What was his job at the artificial snow plant?
Speaker:Please tell me that he owned it.
Speaker:He owned it, though, right?
Speaker:It's an artificial snow farm.
Speaker:He had to have owned it.
Speaker:And then you have to save the family farm.
Speaker:Yeah, maybe.
Speaker:Maybe that's it.
Speaker:I'm coming back in town to attend the funeral, and I just get wrapped up in the artificial snow business.
Speaker:So why were you so stressed that you need some time away for yourself?
Speaker:Okay, I needed some time away from the seven hells because it was getting a little warm, and when I get sweaty, it's hard for me to clean my proboscis.
Speaker:That makes sense.
Speaker:Okay, so how the system works, that's pretty much all I need for your characters.
Speaker:I got some more fun tables I get to roll on for some of the threats and things like that.
Speaker:I'll go over that in a second, because you guys are going to know exactly the framing of everything as we go through this.
Speaker:So how it works, every single roll is a D10.
Speaker:If there's anything that there's a chance of failing or succeeding, I'll ask you to roll for it.
Speaker:If your big city job would provide any experience, and you just have to make a shadow of an argument to me, you get to add an additional D10.
Speaker:If your big city skill comes into play, you get to add a D10.
Speaker:What you're looking for, I have a little chart here for you on how many you need to succeed.
Speaker:Basically, if you get two, you crit.
Speaker:If you get one, it's a mixed success.
Speaker:If you get zero, you fail.
Speaker:And if you roll exactly the number on there, you are having it all, and you get to ask me one special question that I will answer truthfully.
Speaker:So a lot of this is balancing, like how your dice moves between your city life balance and your rural life balance.
Speaker:At any time you want, you can invoke a romantic rural scene where your love interest will show you the ways of the country fold.
Speaker:And when you do that, you can move the dice down one number.
Speaker:That's going to stop whatever else you're working on at the time that kind of pulls you away from your goal.
Speaker:You can force a critical success at any time by using your big city flaw.
Speaker:So if you let that old part of you power through, you're going to immediately have success, but you're going to knock that having it all balanced dice up a number.
Speaker:So it's going to be harder to do the important romantic things you need to actually succeed.
Speaker:Whenever you want, you can just say you're helping the other person describe what you're doing.
Speaker:They get to add another detent to it.
Speaker:And if at the end of any scene, a member of the quaint country town is sighing and shaking their head at you, you have to move that having it all balanced dice more to the city side.
Speaker:Oh my god, there's one more.
Speaker:Why are there so many rules?
Speaker:There's like five pages.
Speaker:And then finally, if you break any permanent connection to your city life, so if you like ignore your job or don't call your boyfriend back or delay the flight one more time, you get to move more towards the country life side.
Speaker:Now we're going to choose the threat to the town.
Speaker:All I have to do to run this game is roll on one table and then yell at you guys for 30 minutes.
Speaker:Okay, so there is a threat to this quaint country town.
Speaker:Someone give me a D6.
Speaker:Two.
Speaker:I've rolled four twos in a roll.
Speaker:There is an ex-boyfriend here.
Speaker:I won't say who's.
Speaker:Who wants to.
Speaker:Jacob, give me a roll.
Speaker:Four.
Speaker:Exploit.
Speaker:And Brady, give me that last D6.
Speaker:Three.
Speaker:The local resources.
Speaker:That's the one thing.
Speaker:It's all coming together.
Speaker:It's all coming together.
Speaker:The ex-boyfriend wants to exploit the local resources?
Speaker:There is an ex-boyfriend involved who wants to exploit the quaint country town's local resources, which as we all know is artificial snow.
Speaker:I'm going to start you guys off with one love interest just so you can get them in mind.
Speaker:Are we going to have a love triangle, or is it going to be just one love interest each?
Speaker:Starting with one each, but you can pick up and drop love interests as much as you want.
Speaker:I'm not making you fall in love with any of these people.
Speaker:If you don't like them, they're gone.
Speaker:Five.
Speaker:Two again.
Speaker:Brady, your love interest is an attractive fireman.
Speaker:Oh, yes.
Speaker:He likes it, huh?
Speaker:Jacob or Sandy, your love interest is an attractive musician.
Speaker:Oh, OK.
Speaker:Who has, give me another roll.
Speaker:Five again.
Speaker:An accent.
Speaker:An attractive musician with an accent.
Speaker:Of shit.
Speaker:This is very Hallmark-y.
Speaker:This is very, very Hallmark.
Speaker:Brady.
Speaker:Minus the sentient fly.
Speaker:Two again.
Speaker:I've rolled so many twos.
Speaker:You are, oh my God, your love interest is an attractive fireman with an adorable child from a deceased loved one.
Speaker:Oh my God, yes.
Speaker:Two souls for the price of one.
Speaker:But both of them have some baggage, so give me one more D6 to figure out what that is.
Speaker:Five.
Speaker:Three.
Speaker:Jacob, they have the same type of job you do, but he does it super wholesome.
Speaker:My character is very much both of my, I can see both of my, me and my love interest being in a Hallmark movie.
Speaker:So perfectly.
Speaker:That also works very well.
Speaker:The attractive fireman, who has an adorable child from a deceased loved one, has a widow that remains in his heart.
Speaker:That's thematically very fitting.
Speaker:That explains who the deceased loved one is.
Speaker:It could have been like a nephew or a niece, but no, this is his child from his first love that you have to somehow try to wrangle him out of.
Speaker:I think we should introduce each of you one at a time to the town.
Speaker:No, let's do one scene back in your old life first.
Speaker:I think that's a good kicking off point.
Speaker:Sandy Plains, you're still in your big city life, and you're working at this Michelin star restaurant.
Speaker:One, what is the food that you really want to make in your heart, but what is the thing that you're stuck in this line making back here?
Speaker:It's baking, right?
Speaker:Stuff that would be relevant for baking.
Speaker:What I really want to make is cute cakes and cookies and stuff.
Speaker:So like wholesome foods, probably exactly what my love interest is going to make.
Speaker:But I'm stuck making beef wellingtons.
Speaker:Oh, no.
Speaker:It's a hard food to make, and you are very good at it.
Speaker:Like you are an expert chef, and that's why you got stuck with it.
Speaker:You have a lot of seniority here.
Speaker:You're the sous chef at this restaurant.
Speaker:What's the name of your restaurant?
Speaker:I thought of one, but it doesn't fit at all, so I'm trying to think of a better one.
Speaker:Do it.
Speaker:Commit.
Speaker:Commit, you coward.
Speaker:Beefy Joe's.
Speaker:That's just what popped into my head at the time.
Speaker:The beefy Joe's it is.
Speaker:It's too late.
Speaker:It's a hole in the wall, but super high rated.
Speaker:Yeah, no, you're wrong.
Speaker:Joe is spelled J-E-A-U-X.
Speaker:Oh, that's incredible.
Speaker:That's amazing.
Speaker:And Neaf is spelled like Shy LeBuff.
Speaker:The beefy Joe is where you were.
Speaker:You could probably convince somebody it's French.
Speaker:And you're back there.
Speaker:You wipe a big glistening sweat off of your forehead, but you still look great.
Speaker:A beef Wellington takes hours to make, so you're sitting above it, watching it, which is, I assume, what chefs do.
Speaker:You're basting things.
Speaker:You are grabbing different seasoning off of a shelf and maxing it.
Speaker:Someone walks behind you and says, behind, and you move up right away, and your head chef comes over.
Speaker:What's his name?
Speaker:I'm going to keep making you do things.
Speaker:Head chef's name.
Speaker:He's grumpy.
Speaker:He's probably French.
Speaker:Jacques.
Speaker:Jacques LeBeef.
Speaker:Jacques LeBoeuf.
Speaker:The owner and head chef of your restaurant comes up behind you, and you feel him before you even see him.
Speaker:His just presence, his sweaty arrogance comes off.
Speaker:My arms start getting goosebumps out of fear, knowing that he's watching me.
Speaker:Yeah, he doesn't say anything for way too long.
Speaker:He watches exactly what you're doing, and it's just minutes of him right behind you, seeing you, and you have to think about every step you're doing.
Speaker:All of a sudden, your brain starts just getting a little bit scattered.
Speaker:A bit of sweat is running down my face, but I don't want to move, so I'm just letting it drip, and I just want to touch it so bad.
Speaker:It's dangling on the edge of your chin, and you kind of move back a little bit to make sure it doesn't fall onto the Beef Wellington, because that's a health code violation.
Speaker:So you kind of lean back just a little bit, and in that moment, you knock over the salt.
Speaker:Oh, God, no!
Speaker:And it was sealed, and nothing really fell out, but he goes off his rocker right away.
Speaker:He goes, I've given you this opportunity to make a change in the Americans.
Speaker:And he knocks it off of the table.
Speaker:It shatters on the floor.
Speaker:It explodes behind him, and he goes, just go home.
Speaker:But Jack, you've known me for so long.
Speaker:I've been making these Wellingtons.
Speaker:They're great.
Speaker:You say they're good.
Speaker:I do not have time for air.
Speaker:But Jack, it's just some salt.
Speaker:4 a.m.
Speaker:Four!
Speaker:To re-salt all of the salt shakers.
Speaker:Yes, yes, yes, Jeff.
Speaker:As you walk outside, it starts raining.
Speaker:And I rub my eyes, trying to keep the tears that are starting to well up.
Speaker:A bus drives by and splashes you with water.
Speaker:And as I'm walking back, my phone starts ringing.
Speaker:And I answer, and it's like, yes, Mom?
Speaker:I have some bad news to tell you about Grandpapi.
Speaker:What's wrong with Grandpapi?
Speaker:You need to come home now.
Speaker:What's wrong?
Speaker:What happened?
Speaker:Oh, Sandy.
Speaker:Smash Cup.
Speaker:Beelzebub, you are in hell right now.
Speaker:I'm wearing a VR headset.
Speaker:I was controlling Jacques.
Speaker:I take off my VR headset.
Speaker:Just another day in hell.
Speaker:What's the name of your boss?
Speaker:My boss's name is...
Speaker:No, Melistopheles.
Speaker:Oh my God, do one I can say.
Speaker:Mephistopheles.
Speaker:Mephisto.
Speaker:Mephisto.
Speaker:Which is called Mephisto.
Speaker:I used to play him in Here's the Storm, so I can do that one.
Speaker:You played Mephisto?
Speaker:You disgust me.
Speaker:That makes too much sense.
Speaker:You notice your boss Mephisto is behind you as well, and he looks down and goes, I think you could have done a lot better with that one.
Speaker:She's going to be fine in like a day.
Speaker:Are you doing any like long-term plans?
Speaker:But Mephisto, sir, you don't understand.
Speaker:I've been doing, I've been yelling at her for the smallest, smallest mistakes every day.
Speaker:It will wear her down and eventually she'll, it'll be, she'll probably quit her job.
Speaker:Yeah, what's that going to do?
Speaker:She'll probably get another one, right?
Speaker:I don't know how it works up there, but...
Speaker:Yeah, she's pretty, she's pretty good.
Speaker:It's hard to undermine someone who's so skilled at her career.
Speaker:Have you thought about taking like a different approach, maybe not career?
Speaker:How's her like love life?
Speaker:Um, I don't...
Speaker:Wait, what is your love situation, Jacob?
Speaker:Painfully single.
Speaker:That area, I don't think could get any worse.
Speaker:Hmm, that does seem like a sticky wicket.
Speaker:I am Beelzebub, sticky wickets are my specialty.
Speaker:I've been looking over your reports lately, and I just noticed they're a little light.
Speaker:Have you been focusing a little bit too much on this one, Sandy?
Speaker:That's not a real name.
Speaker:It's Sandy Plain.
Speaker:Sandy Plains?
Speaker:Right?
Speaker:Are you sure you haven't been focusing too much on the Sandy Plains?
Speaker:Here's the thing, Mephisto, sir.
Speaker:I thought that if we captured the heart of someone who fed other people, that the hatred she poured into her food could spread the beautiful word of Satan.
Speaker:Food can't spread hate any more than it can spread love.
Speaker:That's called setting me up for life.
Speaker:It's like poetry.
Speaker:It rhymes.
Speaker:Maybe I should take a new tact, and maybe I should take a more hands-on approach.
Speaker:I don't know.
Speaker:We don't like giving people the ability to go up there, and all you have is that silk loincloth.
Speaker:I don't think anyone will notice.
Speaker:Could we at least get you, like, a hat?
Speaker:I'll wear a hat, yeah.
Speaker:What hat do you choose?
Speaker:I wear a top hat.
Speaker:Well, I think, Mr.
Speaker:Mephisto, sir, maybe, instead of using the VR headset, I could, you know, like, actually go, maybe take a little trip, a work trip, up, and see how much havoc I could wreak now that I have this top hat.
Speaker:I think as long as you have the top hat, we could probably, you'd probably be away a little bit, maybe two weeks, I think.
Speaker:Is that, oh, that's funny.
Speaker:Two weeks is right when the Harvest Festival is.
Speaker:But you gotta be back by then.
Speaker:That'll be a great opportunity to negatively influence in my role as an influencer.
Speaker:Many people.
Speaker:Smash Cut, only Smash Cuts with music playing between them.
Speaker:Sweeping View of Flaketon.
Speaker:Overhead helicopter shot of Sandy Plains driving in her Prius.
Speaker:Thank you.
Speaker:Driving in her Prius with the windows down.
Speaker:There's a smile on her face, but then the music changes from the fun, happy song to a little bit sadder, mellow one, as we remember that herd-grand-pasta.
Speaker:And she passes a hitchhiker wearing a top hat and a loincloth.
Speaker:The camera pans out and it sees this wonderful town called Flaketon.
Speaker:It's not actually snowy here, because that would make no sense, because they make artificial snow.
Speaker:But it's your typical rural country town.
Speaker:There's a lot of carts with just way too much corn on them.
Speaker:That could possibly not be necessary to be on a single cart.
Speaker:It's known for its huge...
Speaker:There's a 20-acre farm right on the corner of town that this artificial snow is created in, once owned by your beloved grandfather who has since passed away.
Speaker:And as the camera pans over it, you just see these fields of white that are just absolutely beautiful.
Speaker:As we smash back to Sandy Plains, as you hit a pothole, which obviously causes your radio station to change to a much more aggressive song, you get some nice like punk pop song from the 90s comes blaring in as you kind of refocus on the roads.
Speaker:You're distracted by the overwhelming beauty of your hometown.
Speaker:And you look over and you see a hitchhiker holding out his thumb?
Speaker:Do flies have thumbs?
Speaker:One of the hairs on my on my feet is sticking up.
Speaker:And also I'm a she.
Speaker:Sorry.
Speaker:Would you stop for this hitchhiker?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Oh, so I'm just going to completely lampshade the fact that you're a giant bug this entire time.
Speaker:Just completely.
Speaker:So Sandy sees this this little hitchhiker stuck in the rain and pulls over.
Speaker:And she remembers she's about to pass him.
Speaker:But then she remembers that her grandpa shaking his cane at Sandy being like, always remember to be kind.
Speaker:You never know when you're going to be the hitchhiker on the street and when you're going to be the driver driving past.
Speaker:And remembering those words of advice, she slows down and pulls over and rolls down the windows like, hey, you looking for a ride?
Speaker:Oh my god.
Speaker:Thank you so much, Sandy.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:How do you know my name?
Speaker:It's on your license plate.
Speaker:Oh yeah, it actually is.
Speaker:Yeah, it says Sandy with like a heart, greater sign and the three.
Speaker:Old school emoticon heart.
Speaker:Beelzebub squeezes her large thorax and eight legs into the car.
Speaker:Well, what's your name?
Speaker:Call me Bay.
Speaker:Well, Bay, where are you heading?
Speaker:That's a nice hat, by the way.
Speaker:I like it.
Speaker:I'm headed in the direction you're driving.
Speaker:Yeah, that's a little fortuitous.
Speaker:What are you specifically going towards?
Speaker:Well, my boss always says never look past the opportunities that are driving to you in the same direction.
Speaker:Well, my grandpa just passed, and he had an unfortunate incident with a cement truck.
Speaker:Beelzebub shudders with the light.
Speaker:Apparently, he was trying to hitchhike, and the cement truck just didn't see him with his little cane and just plowed him over.
Speaker:Oh, my God, your grandfather got pancaked by a drunk cement truck driver?
Speaker:I don't know if he was drunk, but he did get hit, but that's what my grandpa always said.
Speaker:He always said, you never know when you're gonna be the one hitchhiking or be the one driving past the hitchhiker.
Speaker:It's one of his favorite sayings, so at least he died doing what he loved.
Speaker:Well, I'm heading back to my hometown, Laketon, to go to the funeral.
Speaker:I can take you as far as that, and then you might have to have to find somebody else if you're going further.
Speaker:I think that is most agreeable.
Speaker:I'm so happy for your loss.
Speaker:Uh, I don't...
Speaker:I don't...
Speaker:I thank you, day?
Speaker:I guess.
Speaker:You hear sirens behind you.
Speaker:You hear sirens behind you as a firetruck comes rolling up the road.
Speaker:As they see you just parked on the side, not moving yet, it clearly is going somewhere important.
Speaker:Its lights are on.
Speaker:Do I see the person in the driver's seat?
Speaker:No, because they end up stopping.
Speaker:They stop right in front of you, and the person riding in the back pokes their head over the top, and they have one fireman's axe over their shoulder and just the largest arms you've ever seen.
Speaker:And they're somehow already sweating.
Speaker:And they look down at you, and they go, Oh, uh, miss and miss, do you need any assistance?
Speaker:I see you're stuck on the road here.
Speaker:And their eyes just lock into Beelzebub's.
Speaker:Beelzebub, uh, immediately is super attracted to this man, but doesn't like him.
Speaker:She insists that she doesn't like him for some reason.
Speaker:Oh, she's a su-dang.
Speaker:For like half of the movie, and then it just kind of flips a switch at the halfway point.
Speaker:You hear from the front, there's a big knocking on the window, and some guy yells, We gotta go, there's a fire!
Speaker:And he's like, Hold on one second, I'm talking, these people may need help.
Speaker:I think I need Judas to ignore that fire and come look at our engine.
Speaker:That's perfectly functional.
Speaker:Sandy looks over and is like, No, we don't need any help.
Speaker:I was just stopping to help pick up, helping Bae here.
Speaker:She's needing somebody to give her a ride.
Speaker:So we're driving to Flaketon.
Speaker:Do you know which way it is?
Speaker:I'm a little turned around.
Speaker:Yeah, no problem.
Speaker:It just followed this road right here.
Speaker:And there's one random guy that goes up and right around the corner is a big sign that says welcome to Flaketon.
Speaker:I'm always willing to give directions to anyone if they ask or not.
Speaker:I love that about you, but I don't like the rest of you for some reason that we'll discover later.
Speaker:Bub, if you're staying in town for a while and you don't have a car, if you just need anything, just let me know.
Speaker:I normally don't drive this thing around, but I got a F-150 that I would love to show you around in.
Speaker:Oh my God, I bet I'd fit in the bed of your truck.
Speaker:Let's slow down a little bit, but I really got to get going on this fire.
Speaker:I have so many appendages.
Speaker:Sometimes it's hard for me to fit in the cab.
Speaker:Oh, it's a super cab.
Speaker:Oh my God.
Speaker:And the fire truck rolls down the road.
Speaker:So Sandy starts driving, just turns over to Bay with a shocked look and is like, Wow, I fucking hate that guy.
Speaker:But you guys hit off so well.
Speaker:No, I fucking hate him.
Speaker:I think he's too forward.
Speaker:He's a firefighter.
Speaker:He stopped to help us.
Speaker:He seems like a super nice guy.
Speaker:No, I'm married.
Speaker:I have 642 baby fly children.
Speaker:Oh, that's OK.
Speaker:I guess that does make things a little difficult.
Speaker:Well, all right.
Speaker:Well, let's get going.
Speaker:She starts driving towards Flayton.
Speaker:In fact, I think my husband calls my cell phone right in that moment, and I pick it up and I just go, I fucking hate you!
Speaker:Oh, sounds like your relationship's a little rocky.
Speaker:No, we were happier than we've ever been.
Speaker:Oh, you fly, people.
Speaker:I just never understand.
Speaker:Continuity areas we don't show be as above getting dropped off anywhere, but your car pulls up to where your parents live, and they're all already outside for some reason.
Speaker:There's three that are just like kind of standing around, and one was carrying something in, but they all happen to be ready for you as you come to the door, and they run and give you a big hug, one at a time, tears in their eyes, and they go, I'm sorry we have to see you in this circumstance, but I'm glad you're home.
Speaker:Yeah, it's been a while since I've been back.
Speaker:I've been so busy with Beefy Joe's that I just haven't had the time to come by and spend any time with family.
Speaker:Oh, you work too hard, and I've been calling you and you just never pick up your phone.
Speaker:I just know I'm so close to a big promotion with Jacques.
Speaker:I think I'm starting to hit him one day.
Speaker:Maybe I'll be able to use his influence to open up my own business, so I'm just trying my best to keep on his good side here.
Speaker:And he bans cell phones.
Speaker:He takes them away from us and puts them in a basket at the start of every shift.
Speaker:It makes sense, really.
Speaker:It's his restaurant.
Speaker:He has to make sure we're focusing.
Speaker:Yeah, I just hope he's looking out for my little girl.
Speaker:I just don't know.
Speaker:Do you want me to call him?
Speaker:No, no, no, please.
Speaker:Please don't call him.
Speaker:I could call him.
Speaker:No, no, no, no.
Speaker:No, no, no.
Speaker:I beg you.
Speaker:Please don't call.
Speaker:Okay, I guess I won't.
Speaker:You're at least staying the funerals tomorrow, but you're at least staying for the harvest festival, right?
Speaker:Yeah, of course.
Speaker:I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Speaker:Where we harvest the fake snow?
Speaker:Okay, that's great.
Speaker:I'm glad you could stick around for a little bit.
Speaker:Beelzebub, where are you staying?
Speaker:Beelzebub has to be dropped off in front of the fire station.
Speaker:Oh no.
Speaker:And she just sits out front all night until they get back.
Speaker:She's on the garbage can rubbing her eyes every once in a while like flies do.
Speaker:Absolutely.
Speaker:I'm eating a rotten orange peo-
Speaker:You feel a tap on your shoulder.
Speaker:Oh, who's there?
Speaker:There's a little kid.
Speaker:And he goes, Are you my new mommy?
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Oh, yay.
Speaker:What?
Speaker:What's your name?
Speaker:Maya, you can call me Bub.
Speaker:Bub?
Speaker:That's a funny name.
Speaker:I'm little Tyler.
Speaker:Well, that's funny.
Speaker:Pretty fucking funny too, little Tyler.
Speaker:Is that on your birth certificate?
Speaker:No, I think it says Tyler Jr.
Speaker:Oh.
Speaker:My dad's Tyler.
Speaker:Your dad's Tyler, huh?
Speaker:Does he want to Tyler bury his face between them?
Speaker:Just kidding.
Speaker:I don't see.
Speaker:I don't even know where that was going.
Speaker:That was a little Tyler Perry joke.
Speaker:The fire engine pulls up, the sirens are off, but he hops out, and the kid runs over and gives Tyler Sr.
Speaker:a big hug.
Speaker:And he goes, Oh, wow.
Speaker:What are you doing here?
Speaker:Is he talking to me or Tyler Jr.?
Speaker:You.
Speaker:I know why my son's here.
Speaker:I told him to wait in the fire station while I was gone.
Speaker:Well, I found Tyler Jr.
Speaker:roaming the dumpster, so I wanted to keep an eye on him to make sure nothing bad happened.
Speaker:You do have a real motherly energy around you.
Speaker:Do you have children?
Speaker:I've mothered 642 baby flies.
Speaker:Yeah, I can really tell you have a kindness to your eyes.
Speaker:I'm sure you know how it is being a single parent, and I can't imagine having more than one.
Speaker:I'm not single, I'm married.
Speaker:Oh, okay.
Speaker:But I think you're hot, but I don't like you.
Speaker:Well, I have to go chop some wood with my fireman's axe.
Speaker:But did you come here because you need a ride?
Speaker:I was actually going to ask if you wanted me to hang out with Tyler while you chop wood.
Speaker:Oh, yeah, I'd love that.
Speaker:I always leave him with strangers.
Speaker:It's no big deal.
Speaker:Well, he is.
Speaker:It's dangerous for children to be around axes.
Speaker:I would hate for something to happen to him.
Speaker:Yeah, I've been trying to teach how to swing a little bit.
Speaker:I always use a dull one, though.
Speaker:Don't worry.
Speaker:That's more dangerous.
Speaker:He doesn't chalks off.
Speaker:What are you doing with Tyler?
Speaker:What's your fun day with Tyler?
Speaker:Do you like coloring books?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I brought one from my work.
Speaker:It is the skin of a human.
Speaker:This is going to be a city move, I think.
Speaker:Trying to make a child color on.
Speaker:Is it like a coloring book?
Speaker:It's just bound on the flesh of a, like, you know, some paper made out of human flesh, or is it literally just human flesh?
Speaker:I think it's like a sheet.
Speaker:It's like a couple sheets of human flesh.
Speaker:But does it have things to color in?
Speaker:Yeah, there's lots of scars on the skin.
Speaker:Okay, so they could spend some time with it if you roll successfully.
Speaker:Absolutely.
Speaker:I rolled to six.
Speaker:Oh, that passes.
Speaker:I do love coloring, Miss.
Speaker:Wow, this paper is fun.
Speaker:It's spongy.
Speaker:And then we get a little montage of him coloring in different things, and you helping him point to where he should put the little daggers in the eyes of the little creatures that are getting stabbed on it.
Speaker:And you guys are having an uproarious time laughing.
Speaker:Oh, coloring their unfinished tattoo of a mermaid.
Speaker:You guys are made hearty chuckle as Tyler Sr.
Speaker:walks back up and goes, Oh, it looks like you guys have been having a fun time.
Speaker:I feel so, my heart feels so full to be around young kids again.
Speaker:Let's jump over to Sandy Plains.
Speaker:You're sitting at the local sandwich shop.
Speaker:It's been here since you were a little kid.
Speaker:They normally just sold like prepackaged sandwiches and stuff like that.
Speaker:It's more like a bodega, but the food you're eating is actually delicious.
Speaker:You love it especially.
Speaker:There's a little brownie that came with it for no charge, but that's like kind of pulled your attention a little bit.
Speaker:But the biggest thing in the room is you see a someone who looks exactly like Bradley Cooper playing an acoustic guitar and singing.
Speaker:Somehow, even though he looks like Bradley Cooper, there's an Irish accent there.
Speaker:He's singing only Ed Sheeran songs.
Speaker:Got it.
Speaker:Easy.
Speaker:He definitely catches your eye.
Speaker:But what surprises you the most is after a set, there's some nice plight clapping around.
Speaker:It's not particularly crowded.
Speaker:It's like 1 p.m.
Speaker:on a weekday.
Speaker:He puts his guitar down and then he grabs an apron from the chair next to him, puts it on and goes and walks behind the camera.
Speaker:This grabs Sandy's attention.
Speaker:She stops eating and is just following him with her eyes as she watches him.
Speaker:He goes and he takes a huge tray of cookies out of the oven, and he looks at them and smiles.
Speaker:He smiles at them and shakes his head just a little bit.
Speaker:And he goes and he plates them perfectly.
Speaker:And then somehow right after that, he pulls out a fresh pie that you immediately smell.
Speaker:The second the oven's open, there's this blast of steam that covers his face for a second, and he goes like, ooh, hot, but then grabs it right away afterwards anyway.
Speaker:And he starts slicing it up.
Speaker:And after a little bit, he comes over to your table and sits down, and he pushes a plate up higher, and he goes, oh, this was made for tomorrow.
Speaker:And oh, sorry, he's Irish.
Speaker:This one was made for tomorrow, but it doesn't fit with the other one.
Speaker:So I thought you might enjoy it.
Speaker:Oh, well, thank you.
Speaker:I smelled really good.
Speaker:You're really good at music too.
Speaker:Do you work here?
Speaker:Yeah, I'm mostly a musician, but he lets me make some of the desserts sometimes.
Speaker:I'm really trying to spread out a little bit more.
Speaker:I work here only 7 days a week, and it's just like 10-hour shifts.
Speaker:Wow, that's a pretty easy shift right there.
Speaker:Yeah, it's not too bad.
Speaker:I recently got a deal to ship my pastries globally, so I get to spend some time working on that.
Speaker:I'm a baker too.
Speaker:I saw you cooking, and I was really impressed with your technique.
Speaker:Yes, my pie technique.
Speaker:Yeah, it was quite nice.
Speaker:Yeah, I'm looking at the crust.
Speaker:Look at this.
Speaker:I don't know a shit about baking in real life.
Speaker:This is the worst choice of a job.
Speaker:But the little crimping, the crimping.
Speaker:Look at this crimping and the little apple shaped hole that you have in the center.
Speaker:This is a remarkable technique.
Speaker:Wait, are you Sandy Plains?
Speaker:Yeah, that's me.
Speaker:She puts herself down.
Speaker:I'm trying to keep it down low, but yeah.
Speaker:You don't remember me.
Speaker:I was in your class in high school.
Speaker:I was much heavier and I didn't have an Irish accent.
Speaker:Trevor?
Speaker:Trevor Snow?
Speaker:That's me.
Speaker:Yeah, I used to sound a little different.
Speaker:I was like, before I was like, Hey, it's me, Trevor.
Speaker:I spent a summer abroad, and that's where I picked up the old guitar there.
Speaker:And I also, I was around some of the small little bakeries in France, and I just learned a lot very quickly.
Speaker:Wow, I didn't recognize you.
Speaker:You look good.
Speaker:I'm impressed.
Speaker:Thank you.
Speaker:No, I got to admit, this is a little embarrassing, but I had a little bit of crush on you back in high school.
Speaker:Oh, did you?
Speaker:Yeah, just a little bit.
Speaker:But it's great to see you back in town.
Speaker:Oh, it's because you're your grandpappy.
Speaker:Yeah, my grandpa, he got run over by a cement truck.
Speaker:I heard a cement truck.
Speaker:I heard it's still unsure if he was drunk or not.
Speaker:Yeah, I don't, my grandpa?
Speaker:No, the cement truck.
Speaker:Where he was drunk?
Speaker:The cement truck.
Speaker:Oh, grandpa did like to indulge though, so I wouldn't be surprised.
Speaker:Well, if he was, he was at least walking in hitchhiking, which is safe.
Speaker:It was his passion, hitchhiking and picking up hitchhikers.
Speaker:What's going to happen to the farm?
Speaker:I don't know.
Speaker:I haven't talked to my mom about it.
Speaker:I assume we're going to have to sell.
Speaker:I mean, I'm too busy to take over it, and I don't think my family makes the...
Speaker:He was the one behind all the artificial snow harvesting.
Speaker:I know he taught, he kept it very secretly on how it works, but I remember you did a project on it in eighth grade.
Speaker:He taught you everything.
Speaker:Yeah, but I just don't have the time with my...
Speaker:I work for a really great, a great, great beef wellington place called Buffy Joe.
Speaker:Yeah, it's a great beef wellington place.
Speaker:I'm really hoping to leverage what I'm doing there, to get my own place.
Speaker:I just don't have time to open this.
Speaker:It's been so long since I've worked here.
Speaker:I haven't been home in years.
Speaker:I could have sworn you were a vegetarian.
Speaker:Yeah, it's not my passion, but it's a good veg, so the smell of meat does make me feel a little sick.
Speaker:Well, I'm sorry to have to leave you so suddenly, but I have to go bake some brownies for some LGBTQ youths that are experiencing homelessness right now.
Speaker:But I really hope I do see you soon.
Speaker:He walks back towards the kitchen, just giving you one more long glance before he turns around the corner, leaving you alone.
Speaker:As you absentmindedly look at your phone, you realize that you have one missed call.
Speaker:The camera snaps to a different room where someone's looking at a phone screen that says that you did not pick up.
Speaker:As the camera pulls out, we see a man with a dastardly mustache who puts his phone down in size and turns to someone shrouded in darkness sitting across the table and says, well, I couldn't find any information out.
Speaker:Hopefully she calls me back.
Speaker:But I think we have our end.
Speaker:If we work together, I think we can take over the entire artificial snow industry.
Speaker:And the camera turns around to reveal who's sitting across the table from him, which is a 14-foot tall demon with huge leathery wings and pointed horns.
Speaker:And a top hat.
Speaker:Thank you so much for listening to this very weird thing we're doing.
Speaker:Don't worry, it won't impact our normal episodes, which if you've only listened to this one, is normally a post-apocalyptic, violence-filled romp that is pretty different.
Speaker:Well, not too different, because Brady decided to try to mess this up for me.
Speaker:But we'll be wrapping up this little mini-series with one more episode, and then if Brady has his way, he will run his own Hallmark-based RPG, or I'll actually get to be a player.
Speaker:The new music, and the normal editing, was all performed by Stu Masterson, and for this one, no one else really did anything, so they don't get any credits.
Speaker:Over explain, over explain.
